Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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