my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
