you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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