i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
