last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk is not a location!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
