I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize