I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize