I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh god it's open bar.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
