I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I deserve this hangover.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
