Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
