I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
