Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
