how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
