if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
