new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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