The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
