I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
