i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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