Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
