It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
