You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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