"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
