I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The best revenge is premature balding
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
