I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
