I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
