You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
