I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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