i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize