i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
