did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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