if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
