the day after is always just damage control
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize