i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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