Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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