Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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