I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
