I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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