Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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