Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
