can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
