i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
