We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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