Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
