I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
