i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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