Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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