yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
