my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
