i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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