Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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