remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
