Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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