I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
