i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
