I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
