Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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