I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
