The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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