I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
