im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
