he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
