I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
