I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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