apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
