Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
