Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Randomize
