It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
